1. My (fabulous) agent sent my book out to editors last week, which means I've been in a constant state of mild freakout. I love this one, and I love the narrator, and I hope it finds a home somewhere.
2. I thought I was doing a lot better--in fact I think I thought I was close to being over the miscarriage--but I was wrong about that. I'm frustrated with myself and frustrated in general, annoyed that I can't feel back to normal again, and still so, so sad.
3. Grief always makes more sense in retrospect. When I lost a family member my last year in college, I remember how a few days after it happened I was annoyed at myself for still being so upset, and I don't know--looking back it makes sense that I'd be dealing with it for a few months, but in the moment it feels like you have a set amount of time to be sad and after that it means you're a mess if you're still in the throes of things when the rest of the world is still going. Maybe it's easier to be gracious with the memory of yourself, or maybe everything makes more sense when you have more context.
4. I've been listening to this song a lot. I've always really liked those breaks in his voice.
5. Lately I've been feeling like my life is on hold, or maybe on some kind of precipice--and, more insidiously, like I'll be happy and things will be okay when. Well, when and if--when and if a book sells. When and if I have a child. When and if I can find a stronger church community. I've been struggling against this, completely unsuccessfully, but I know it's a terrible way to live. My life is beautiful, and I am blessed, and to live as if I believe otherwise is damaging and denies the reality of grace.
Really, my life is beyond blessed. I don't know why it's so hard to really live like I fully grasp that.