1. My (fabulous) agent sent my book out to editors last week, which means I've been in a constant state of mild freakout. I love this one, and I love the narrator, and I hope it finds a home somewhere.
2. I thought I was doing a lot better--in fact I think I thought I was close to being over the miscarriage--but I was wrong about that. I'm frustrated with myself and frustrated in general, annoyed that I can't feel back to normal again, and still so, so sad.
3. Grief always makes more sense in retrospect. When I lost a family member my last year in college, I remember how a few days after it happened I was annoyed at myself for still being so upset, and I don't know--looking back it makes sense that I'd be dealing with it for a few months, but in the moment it feels like you have a set amount of time to be sad and after that it means you're a mess if you're still in the throes of things when the rest of the world is still going. Maybe it's easier to be gracious with the memory of yourself, or maybe everything makes more sense when you have more context.
4. I've been listening to this song a lot. I've always really liked those breaks in his voice.
5. Lately I've been feeling like my life is on hold, or maybe on some kind of precipice--and, more insidiously, like I'll be happy and things will be okay when. Well, when and if--when and if a book sells. When and if I have a child. When and if I can find a stronger church community. I've been struggling against this, completely unsuccessfully, but I know it's a terrible way to live. My life is beautiful, and I am blessed, and to live as if I believe otherwise is damaging and denies the reality of grace.
Really, my life is beyond blessed. I don't know why it's so hard to really live like I fully grasp that.
My eyes fail, looking for your promise; I say, "When will you comfort me?"
ReplyDelete~ Psalm 119:82
For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
~ 2 Corinthians 1:5
In this moment, I am envisioning the post I will read hear where I learn not of another pregnancy but of the healthy and happy delivery. I see beautiful photographs of you holding that baby against your dewy cheek, eyes rimmed red from exhaustion and tears. I see your J with that nervous-excited new papa face in the delivery room. A multicultural family has flocked in the lobby and because you are the way you are, you have made certain that this gets captured in photographs, too.
I see it all.
Later there are little red envelopes for the Chinese New Year. Photos you post where you and J are clapping hands and watching first steps and feeling brand new about every cultural moment because now they involve your child. A blend of all of these things and nestled in a cocoon of love.
See? Can you see it? It's okay if you can't yet because you still have watery eyes. It's okay. Know that another believer is seeing it for you. Claiming it on earth and believing it with all of my heart.
I can't wait to read those posts. . . . .they are as clear as day for me. Soon they will be for you, too.
xo, a fellow mother, KM
Getting over anything, especially a miscarriage is hard so give yourself time and try not to get annoyed when you're not over it yet. :( Sending happier thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteI thought about you today. I hope that you are well.
ReplyDelete